Here I find myself again, amongst familiar feelings
loss, pain, anger, sorrow
of being disconnected from my self
miles away from my Self
and not knowing how to right it
like a gut punch, the wind seeps out of me with each wave of sobs
painfully reminded of another failure
failure of body? perhaps
but what of mind?
it’s exhausting to expend so much effort to smile, nod, pretend all is right
when I’m screaming and scratching inside
shriveling up and shrinking like a bud with no water
I want to curl up and detach, want to claw at those who ask, want to just blissfully leave pain behind for a moment, intoxicated and transfixed by something
with something
anything else
than this lingering sadness, tinged with regret that I hope won’t stay
because if it does, I feel I’ll drown completely
seeing it, naming it, grieving it loudly, acknowledges this shadow
and sometimes, that’s all that it needs to retreat
and sit quietly
at last
kept at bay
the sagacious bee 